an open letter to the female hipster population

to whom it may concern,

it has come to my attention that an unlikely pathogen is poised to organise an assault on our collective fashion immune system. in the interests of both my own personal tastes and a general concern for public welfare, i am using my (lowly) position in the blogosphere to encourage my readers to arm themselves with the necessary prophylactics. i am talking, of course, about the resurgence of the mia-farrow-circa-rosemary's-baby haircut.

in light of these findings, i think we need to keep one general rule in the back of our minds: unless you have specific plans to gestate and squeeze one of satan's offspring out of your birth canal, this hairdo probably isn't for you. unfortuately, every token scenester with a sack dress and black tights seems to think that they can disregard this simple advice. have we learned no lessons from the skinny jean uprising of 2006? just because something is in vogue at the moment doesn't necessarily mean that it is the best choice for everyone. that is part of the beauty of fashion - not everything looks good on every person, but we pick and choose and run with what works best for us individually.

let me take time now to fully acknowledge those rare, luminous, pixie-like individuals who actually look their best with short haircuts. halle berry is one who automatically springs to mind, and michelle williams seems to rock it appropriately enough, albeit bearing a more-than-slight resemblance to a bavarian hausfrau in this particular photo. (do you think she could fetch me a pretzel? or a franziskaner?) i'm sure we all can think of one or two people in our lives who have been blessed with the specific bone structure and facial features that allow this phenomenon to take place. however, in all likelihood, most of the individuals who fit into this category have probably figured it out by now. yes, i'm sure there is a whole community of people out there who are languishing under the weight of their flowing tresses, not yet realising that with just a few quick snips of the shears their lives could be transformed beyond imagination. i just highly doubt they are all frequenting the same melbourne back-alley hangouts on a thursday evening.

now is the time for preventive measures. let's halt this coiffure groupthink before it gains a foothold and can never be eradicated. stop the tomfoolery, ladies. explore your individuality, expand your horizons, push your personal boundaries. just don't pretend to be avant-garde when in reality you're just one of a horde of 21st century fembots (minus the all-important hot pants and 9 mm nipples).